Ares

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JAMIE. JAMIE JAMIE JAMIE LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN MY PACKET OF ANIMAL CRACKERS



SHOULD I EAT IT OR THROW AWAY THE WHOLE THING OR WHY ARE MY ANIMAL CRACKERS HAVING SEX IN THE PACKET

JESUS FUCK I think I just came in my pants.

Aphrodite, I take it back. I don't want a daughter. If we have a daughter here, she'll be American. She'll end up being Obesity: the goddess of cheeseburgers and ketchup or something. AND WE CAN'T DO THAT TO OUR KIDS.

Gotta figure out how to beam ourselves back to Greece first.

So after my incident with God's number two, human-looking robot in disguise blond dude, my days in this office are short-lived. I haven't been told anything but I started packing my things anyway, and this guy comes up to me during lunch break and asks me some questions.

I couldn't tell him I'd been here for over 200 years so I was like, no, I'm Greek, but I've been here 20 years. And he gives me this look and goes, "so... you're American."

Fuck no I'm not. Does living here for 200 years make me a dumbshite?

If so, I'd like a one-way ticket back to Greece. You can keep your fucking green card, and next time, if you don't have anything good to say, keep your insults to yourself if you value your miserable existence in your dingy little office.

LUST I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS is it a boy or a girl?

"Comments: Posted: 9,031 - Received: 7,044"


IT'S OVER NINE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUSAND

Aphrodite, I want a daughter.

One who won't marry a creep and who won't become a creep.

Having kids should be like a vending machine. You pop in the coin, choose which one you want, press the button and it comes out just as it should down the bottom. Leaving it to chance is just stupid.

[Locked from the boys]
Boy #1's done a complete 180 and I don't know if I should embrace that or think it's just some scary shit he's smoking and ignore it, Boy #2 actually started talking to me and Boy #3 is still completely batshit.

Where the fuck are all my girls?


[Private to Deimos]
Deimos? Did something happen between you and Phobos?


Who do I gotta screw or kick the shit out of around here to get some fucking normalcy back?

HO~KAY. Father-son interaction getting a lil' hot n' steamy over here, and there's only one butt in buttsex, so I think it's a cue for me to go.

Bags have been packed and I owe my boss a lapdance anyway.

Don't think I'll spend more than a few days in Manhattan, but that's more than enough time for everyone to get a lapdance from me. Jamie you fuckin' perv would you like to schedule me in Wednesday night?


Also, why is it a pair of tits, but not a pair of ass? I mean, there's two... sections of meaty bits, in both cases. But you never say a pair of ass. What the fuck is this English shit?

- Madonna: Greatest Hits Volume 2.
- Cordless phone stand - where's the phone?
- A REAL HAWAIIAN SHIRT with no pants. That is... well, it could be nastier, but damn.

Sweet Jesus, it's no wonder no one takes him seriously. Triton I feel so sorry for you now

Hm. The air smells like ten thousand year old penis.

Oh look, that's my plane.

Hey Hephaestus - I didn't know you could sing. I've never heard you sing in the...

Actually I've never seen you take a shower either.

ANYWAYS. Come play Rock Band with us tomorrow. We need one more player. One Greek to play, anyway. No kids, no parents old people, booze on free flow. I'll even buy your air ticket/come pick you up.

And it's okay if you haven't played before. There's a noob mode for noobs. And we're a team so you won't get pwned. And it's not physical so you won't have to jump or limp around anywhere unless you wanna go all Angus Young or something. And even if you really suck, we'll get enough points to cover for you so don't worry.

So, like, I've noticed - and I've been noticing this for... a while now - every time I go to the bathroom, more often than not, there's like this queue outside the female bathrooms. I mean, you never have to queue for the men's, y'know?

I don't know. Is someone dealing drugs in there or something, or what the hell am I missing out on?

I totally thought they were kidding about chariot racing in Las Vegas. I wanna spend a few more days here but I ran out of leave, like, 5 leave days ago.

I feel like I'm missing out on something at the office - more than usual - and I'm not quite sure what. It's weird how like, when you travel somewhere, it's amazing and everyone's doing their own thing and it's like a video. When you leave, the video ends, but peoples' lives still go on and they still do the things they do and it's-

I don't know. Weird.

Gambling, if you try and drown me in the pool again - or whatever it is you say you were doing, I'm never coming back.


EDIT: And gimme my pants back.

Uh, I don't know about this carnival thing. I like candyfloss. And no I've never microwaved it. Tastes just fine as it is. Could do with less sticky though but I think that's asking too much.

Also, Inglourious Basterds. Watch it. Quentin Tarantino's a genius. Nothing wrong with laughing at the torture scene and... whenever else no one else is laughing. And the psycho Jewish bitch looks a lot like Eris.

Well actually that would explain a lot.


[To Gambling]
Monthly pilgrimage postponed, so I guess it isn't "monthly" anymore since it'll be... next month by the time I get there. I'm still coming to see you. At the Venetian. Like I said. Just next weekend instead of tomorrow. I'll make it up to you somehow.


[To National Security]
Uhmh, you okay? 'cause of you I had to go buy more bandages so I figured that's pretty bad considering how much bandages I keep around the place. And did you take a box of my condoms? I don't mind - I just swear I had more of those too.

I wasn't avoiding you or anything. I just don't... well, let's just say I couldn't really be helpful with you leaking everywhere. And I was halfway through Fallout 3 and it was an important map to clear.

We can go clothes shopping if you're still bothered about losing your shirt. I'm good with clothes. And feeling you up. But clothes.

[Private to Aphrodite]

I'm sorry.

The boys are-

You're right. We haven't been good parents to them. And what I say and do now can't change that. I know that better than most... people.

It's my fault Deimos is like this - and... my issues with my father aren't relevant.

I'd like to talk to you sometime; see you again and everything. But I think I know what you're going to say, so...

I just want you to know that I only want what's best for our children, and that I still love you really miss you only ever fight with you because I love you think about you in the strangest of times

Yeah. Nevermind. Take care.

( Sent to Megatron before he leaves. )

[To the Olympians]
My sons are off-limits. Don't push me.

I won't repeat myself.

( 13drabbles; Alpha Set; 1-4 )